I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Operation Purity has been aborted
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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