u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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