this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
