I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
