I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Randomize
