Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
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