Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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