I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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