He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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