i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
it's like heaven, but drunker
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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