Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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