how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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