Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I faked an abortion last night.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
