Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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