The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
