well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
birth control should be required to get into college
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
