Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
