He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
