I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
