i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
My penis needs a shock collar
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
