we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
