I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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