I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
