I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
