id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
