i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
