Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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