Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I need a burrito and a hug.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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