Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
you win again, gameday.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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