I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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