Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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