I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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