why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
