Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
