I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
