gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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