you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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