apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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