just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
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