Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.