My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like