I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
