So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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