Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
