why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
