I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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