went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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