I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
