I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
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I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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