i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
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