Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
