i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
