Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
