i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
